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Christopher's book report puppet

Chris went to see the neurologist yesterday. No new worries. It seems his pattitary gland doesn't work right and so that mixed with thyroid antibodies sets his levels wrong. Other than that he's fine for now. Load off of my mind and gives me freedome to handle new worries. My step sons mom filed for custody. For the past 11 years my husband has shared custody with the grandma. But now she is too sick and to protect her rights the mom is trying to get her name on the papers so when her mom dies she still has rights. What a bunch bull shit. Never in eleven years and all the custody hearings has she tried to get back in line legaly and now the her mom is dying she is trying to step in. We have a great lawyer, she doesn't we'll see where it goes from here.

Even when i'm half the problem i'm always the main problem. I'm tired of being the problem.

I didn't want to come home today. I really didn't. I'm tired of the fighting and chris's fit throwing and yelling and screaming and punishing and parenting. I didn't want to come home today. I wanted to run away and be no one's mom and no one's wife, just be me. There may be nothing more wrong with my child than he is just one angry confused child. Sometimes i want an escape. when we fight my husband gets to get mad and get up and leave, but not me. I own the majority of children in the house, i have to stay. No one will beg me to stay, beg me not to leave. I'm the one who is always here, i fight the hardest when things get hard, but he gets to walk away angry and mad and come back when he's ready. But if i walked out, no one would beg me to stay, no one would plead for me to come back, no one but the children. But i'm always begging, even when i do the less wrong, even when i'm right.

Took Chris to see the rheumatologist monday. Nothing new. He doesn't have arthritis or lupus, we knew that, but he didn't know anything about the other antibodies. I was disappointed and up set but went in knowing it might come out that way. He has an appointment on Friday with the Endocronologist friday to see how his thyroid levels are with out medication. Then we will see where we go from there. My mothers intuition tells me there is something more going on than just thyroid problems. He also see's neurologist next month and is being followed by a counselor for his anger and behavior. It seems like so much and he's been taking it so well. I'm stressed and not getting much sleep. Not just from stress but Daniella is not sleeping through the night yet. She's almost 2 and she still wales up for water. We took her pacifier away almost 2 months ago. But she still wakes up and we need sleep. I need a vacation from it all.

So far so good with Topher. Just normal everyday 8 year old stuff. Doctors appointments are coming up soon. I'm very nervous. He's taking it well, even though he doesn't really completely understand everything going on. My husband is learning to understand it all, but i've had 9 years he's only had 4. It's a complicated mess not even the best doctors understand

WORRIES

As far as I know I have nothing to worry about with Chris. But the what if's that can go through a mothers head are a killer. I am stressed to the max, writing here helps even more because no one is reading except me. My husband isn't working right now, hes taking a class to be a certified home builder, and money is tight. I am the only one working, I'm not mad, he worked full time while i finished college, and now I have a degree, so I am doing the same. Never the less, even when he was the only one working I was stressed about money. He has a child support payment we can not make and bills that get paid but leave us little to get by on. I' m tiered ad worrid about my son and our families future. I can handel the money problems, but sometimes, when the kids want and need things and the money I woked so hard to put away in savings is almost gone, it gets me down. I wan to buy them thigs, take them places, and I know it wont be long before my husband has a good job and we aren't struggling anymore and I knw that hard work has the best pay off in the end, but sometimes it's so hard osee the light at the end of the tunnel, of the money issue and the confusing medical issues.

On a lighter note, Topher has been in a better mood and behaving better. No big fits or out bursts. He's like a whole new child.